It’s been far too long since I’ve written here. Back in February, a friend mentioned that she missed reading my posts. That touched me and stayed with me.
Life and my brain have blocked me…until now. The last two years have been a wild ride. I’ve gone far afield of much of my bucket list but there’s still been tremendous growth, change, and happiness.
There’s also been some incredibly (though thankfully temporarily) soul-crushing pain, more moving than I wanted to do in the span of two years (the count is up to 5! Whooooo…..), and a lot of confusion and fear.
Through most of it, with a few months of notable exceptions, I turned to sugar. It’s not good that I did that, I know. It should be a giant fucking red flag that a) one’s immediate response to stress is CUPCAKE and b) upon eating that cupcake a palpable, physical feeling of release. Like, whole body relaxing, unclenching, winding down. I rarely get a sugar high like I used to when I was a kid. I get a sugar calm.
I know. This is bad.
(Side story that will totally be in context in a moment.)
I can’t eat Reese’s peanut butter cups (or anything Reese’s). Not only can I not eat Reese’s ANYTHING, I can not eat chocolate and peanut butter together. You’re probably all, ¨WHA???¨ And I’m all, ¨INORITE?¨ Here’s what happened, in all the embarrassing glory.
My big sister was selling candy for choir when she was in high school. I ADORED Reese’s peanut cups. And suddenly, there were BOXES of them, cases of the best, most magical candy god and man even teamed up to make. I swear, at that point in my life, I thought unicorns had something to do with their production because there was no way such a delectable candy could only be made by god and man. All attempts to tell me that these were solely for my sister’s choir to raise money for them to go sing somewhere far away and it was very important that I stay away from the box and if I ate any mom and dad would have to pay for it so ask them first turned quickly into blahblahblahblah because seriously? THERE WERE CASES OF REESE’S IN MY HOUSE.
Not only would I be the most popular kid in the world, throwing parties like a rap star, eating Reese’s on the deck of the pool while ladies dances around me and fed them to me, but I WOULD BE EATING REESE’S OMGALLTHETIME.
So stupid, stupid seven-year-old me stole a box. Not only did stupid, stupid seven-year-old me steal a box, but she ate it. All of it. In the course of a weekend.
Remember that time a few paragraphs ago when I told you I can’t have chocolate and peanut butter together? That shit’s been going on for THIRTY FUCKING YEARS now, ever since that wild weekend in the crawl space under my front porch when I was mainlining Reese’s. And it set something up in me, and here’s where we dovetail back into the original post.
Sometimes, if I want to give up a type of food, I overdose on it and then won’t eat it anymore. Perfectly healthy, right?
(Please don’t all hit me at once. I may be a masochist, but I also don’t want to be knocked unconscious.)
Well, over the course of the last two years, I’ve gone in cycles of knowing I need to eat healthier and trying various ways to periods of eating sugar because fuck it, I can’t keep going on this stressed and unhappy and right now is All The Stress.
And sometimes when I try to get over the sugar addiction, I eat a LOT of it and then magically, for a few days or so, I won’t want any. Which is enough momentum to ride through the initial cravings and helped me give up sugar for a little about two months last year. Go me!
However, it didn’t last.
But it’s entirely possible, and scary if so, that my body has come to a lifelong point of my having eaten far more sugar than I should’ve. Because now? Now I haven’t binged on anything and I still have to think, HARD, about where to get my sugar fix when things are stressful. Cupcakes are tasting too sweet. Candy just makes me nauseous. Ice cream leaves me feeling cold. (HA! No, but really…) I bought unsweetened yogurt the other day because my body wanted it more than all the other flavors. So this is just a weird place to be. Who knows if it’ll last, but I think I’m being told that enough is enough. It’s time to figure out how to cope with life without sugar. This oughtta be interesting…