It’s been a dark week.
My brain and body had very few spoons to start with and the slightest little thing seemed to tap them all at once. I was besieged by unrelenting nightmares, surprised by physical and emotional pain (much of which shouldn’t’ve been surprising), and bombarded with a near constant urge for chocolate to soothe my nerves, however temporarily.
Slowly, I feel it lifting. Suggestions from friends (force yourself to work on, and therefore through, it) and family (the less politically correct version: suck it up) helped slightly but not as much as I hoped. One of the most helpful things was actually when a friend resurrected her round robin style of getting a group of her friends to say three things they’re thankful or glad for every single day. Constantly reminding myself of the good, and having other people do the same, reminded me how many blessings are in my life, if only I remember them.
It’s not perfect. I still feel off, and things take far too many spoons away from me. But I’m getting somewhere. I’m getting some of it out in writing, some through reading, and some in just exploring the dark, painful parts and letting them hurt.
Also, music has been a comfort. Tylan’s song “Wild Awake” sums up the last 14 years of my life, right up to now, fairly well. The title of this post is a Melissa Etheridge song called “Into the Dark”, which is where I’ve been. Others that have popped up are “The Morning of the Rain” and “Let There Be Lonely” by Jonathan Jackson, “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserablès, “Thank God for My Friends” by Crystal Bowersox, “You’ll Never Walk Alone” by Celtic Woman and sometimes Elvis, and “Hold On” from The Secret Garden.
So, yeah. Holdin’ on. I guess that’s something, right?