Lately, I’ve been moving from depression to anger. Less wanting to hide in bed or getting lost in my own devastationand more wanting to scream and maim. Since I’m not going to maim, and screaming I only do seldomly in the car on deserted roads, I’ve found that I now want to either clean/organize or eat All The Things. I’m not so much worried about the cleaning/organizing impulse. That’s lead to laundry getting done, emails being writted, resumes being sent, etc. But the eating is more troublesome.
A few weeks ago, I had to force myself to eat. And some days, I just couldn’t. But mostly, I was able to eat at least one or two fairly square meals a day. Now, I want everything.
But I am making better choices. Less sugar and white bread/flour/wheat. Gave up soda and sweet tea. Didn’t eat a bun with my cheeseburger tonight. Well, not the one I had at dinnertime. The one I just had, I did. But since I didn’t have breakfast, that was actually my dinner. Ah, justifications.
The plain truth is that I can’t wait to get my hands on the cake upstairs, but this was the first year that I can remember that I didn’t have cake on my birthday. There are text message volleys that leave me so angry and all I wind up wanting to do is inhale EVERYTHING.
Luckily, I’m doing more at the Y, to help balance the times when the best choices don’t win out. For the past three weeks, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I’ve been in the water for 6 hours, sometimes using water weights, sometimes towing a kid on a kickboard through the deep end, and sometimes doing endless jumping jacks. But it’s making a difference in my core and my arms. Going out on the canoe with my sister the past few nights, I’ve been able to sit up straight the whole time and my arms don’t feel tired at all afterward. I’m also able to get in and ot of the canoe without feeling like a beached whale. Progress, right?