And here I thought things were difficult in the beginning of April.
Life is just full of surprises.
Being cheated on wasn’t on my to-do list. Somehow it made it on there anyway. And now I try to figure out how to move forward. It’s not an easy process. However, I thankfully have amazing friends and family, as well as a very supportive church community, a good part time job at the Y, and a new therapist who seems to be a good fit for me.
I’m looking hard for a full time job so I can get my own place. I’m singing, I’m writing, I’m reading, I’m reexamining the things I want in my life and the direction I want to go in. There are plenty of times I feel like I’m floundering or going to be eaten by the darkness.
It saddened me that I didn’t write in here much this year. I’m not sure why that was; I tried to write when things were good and bad, but somewhere, I stopped. All I can say is that I’m back again. I’m back to the mentality that I should “go for it”…I just have to figure out what “it” is now. There are some ideas percolating. Possibly going to school for writing. I’ve thought about teaching. Then there are what feel like more off-the-wall ideas. I’ll talk about them soon…as soon as I can really wrap my head around them.
One of the scariest parts of all this was when it felt so bleak that I couldn’t see beyond the pain of all the things I’d lost. When talking with a church friend the other day, she made the astute observation that what I seemedto be mourning was more of a dream and not the tangible reality. She wasalso the same person who took one look at me in church one day and said, “oh, honey…your hopes won’t always be dashed.” I fought not to cry because I was in a bad place and couldn’t quite believe her. Though I have been trying.
I’ve also been working hard to build a better inner base of strength and fortitude so I’m not depending on others to imbue me with a sense of happiness, security, and stability. It really needs to come from within. Eventually.