Reading, growing, opening up, letting go

First, I want this book.  Rewriting the Rules by Meg Barker.  Polyamory in the News clued me in to it and I’m very glad it did.  Once upon a time, I considered myself a non-normal, freaky, outside-the-box kinda gal.  Compared to most of my family and friends growing up, this was fairly accurate.  But tonight, when I was on the phone with Noah, he made the observation that I’m actually pretty old-fashioned.    I joked and said something like “yeah, right.  An ‘old-fashioned’ bisexual, polyamorous, liberal, burlesque dancer.”  But truth be told, I may be more old-fashioned than I realize.  Or, I may have fallen back on some old-fashionedness in the last year as a form of security.

Here’s a thing.  For all the pain that comes with the relationship ending between me and my husband and wife, I have to remember that there were plenty of happy times, and that I learned so fucking much while with them.  Michael has an amazing ability to think logically and he helped develop my logic.  But over the last year, I’ve vacillated between asking hard questions and…letting the questions go because I wasn’t ready to deal with the answers.  Oh, and then sometimes my brain just turns on and fires ALL THE QUESTIONS at me, which isn’t helpful in the slightest.

So  this book seems like a good way to get back to a systematic way to apply logic to myself and my relationships.  I think that can only be a good thing.  And when I can think about things logically, I can also appreciate and enjoy them emotionally.  It’s the lizard brain fear instinct that I need to curb.

In other (but related) news, I’ve come across this article about poly terminology, specifically “secondary” vs. “non-primary.”  And then Cunning Minx had some great thoughts about opening up a relationship…from the perspective of the  “non-primary” in her latest blog post.  Which led me to finding this blog post where non-primary partners give advice geared towards poly couples.

So much thinking.  So much changing.  It’s good; but right now I think I need to put my brain to bed and marinate in all of this for a while.