If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

It’s probably hella cliched and taking me far longer than it should, but I’m slowly reteaching myself how to love me.

Being in the South has slowed me down, and helped me get in touch with simpler things.  I love sitting out on the dock, watching the sun come up over the lake.  Recently, I learned to knit and that’s very cool.  At the store the other day, I found a body spray from a company I thought went out of business years ago.  The scent is something I used to wear all the time around 14 years or so ago, before my soon-to-be-ex-husband and I got together.  I loved it so much; it fit me perfectly.  Earthy, slightly sweet, and it just made me smile.  However, he didn’t like it.  So I stopped wearing it.  And I thought they stopped making it.  Lo and behold, I find a bottle of it in a Kroger in Mississippi at 2am.  My sister, because she’s awesome, bought it for me after I told her why I was kind of freaking out over a body spray.  For the rest of the shopping trip, I just kept smelling the hand I sprayed it on and smiling.

The divorce papers should be coming in the mail in a few days.  While I’m feeling pretty good right now, I know it’s going to hurt of  a lot to see the end of 13 years literally in black & white.

So I keep going forward.  Slowly but surely, I’m getting more active and taking care of my body better.  Yesterday I spent about a half hour learning the National Dance Day hip hop routine so I can participate in my own little way.  Today, while straightening more of my stuff, I also spent some time stretching out.  Yesterday, instead of a pizza for lunch, I had a nice risotto and fresh(ly thawed) green beans.

More water, less chocolate, more activity, less bread, more stretching, less sitting….this is what I’m working on.  Today or tomorrow, now that I have a little bit of leeway monetarily, I’m gonna join the Y.

Sometime soon, I want to also get off my anti-anxiety/depressant.  I’d really love to have a baby sometime in the next year or so and I can’t be on my current medication and have a healthy pregnancy.  So that’s a new goal.  Here’s hoping.

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In omnia paratus.

Today, I auditioned for The Voice.  My sister (god bless her) got up with me at 4am and went with me to the 7am call in Memphis.

My knitting needles got confiscated, because clearly I was a threat.

No callback for me, but then again, not even the chick who nailed “Barracuda” (seriously?  that’s a fucking hard song to sing) got a callback.  It was nice to be in a room this time where two people got a callback, so I could see how it happened and what they did.  I wasn’t a Carrie Underwood clone nor an 18 year old yodeler.  C’est la vie.

It’s all good.  I’m proud that I did it and thought I performed well.  However, the timing obviously isn’t right.  And maybe the gig just isn’t right. The world seems to be opening up to me in ways I never let myself dream about so I refuse to let this one rejection get to me.

On Monday, I have my last knitting class and I’m joining the Y.  Booyah.

I can knit!

Yesterday, I attended my first knitting class.  It was fun and quite interesting to see how yarn becomes intricately knotted and useful things like sweaters, socks, and scarves.  My first project is a scarf, which is being knitting with the needles and yarn that a dear friend gave me.  The knitting instructor wasn’t too thrilled with the yarn, but I’m working with it just fine.  Eventually, I’d love to be able to have the skill and money to justify buying expensive yarns, but that’s a goal for future Genevieve to achieve.

In other news, I’ve been Taking Care of Business.  I’ve been on hold with the IRS for nearly a half hour now to clear up what seems like a simple mistake (on their part).  Of course, that doesn’t make the wait time any shorter.  I’ve also printed out some other paperwork needed to get my finances under control.  In other Big Life News, the divorce papers should be coming in about 2 weeks.  Not looking forward to that, but it’s probably best that it’s all taken care of.  He clearly doesn’t want me anymore and why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate or want to be with me?

Changing my diet and exercise habits has been more of a challenge.  I’m clearly depressed (surprise!) and have been having mental battles with myself that go kinda like this:

Unhealthy Craving: You know what would be good right now?  Snickers 3X.

Me: No.

UC: Right!  Four would be better!

Me: Wow, that does sound good.

My Internal Goddess of Health: Are you fucking nuts? If you weren’t going to go for one, how is getting four better?

UC: Oh, I wouldn’t eat them all now. I’d save some for later when I’m feeling sad and weak.  I’m going through a divorce, you know.  And I lost my job.  And I’m in a new place.  And it’s hotter than the devil’s ass out…

MIGH: Now you’re just whining. I’m also going through a divorce, lost my job, moved…but that last metaphor is apt, I’ll give you that.

UC: Yay!  Four Snickers 3Xs!

MIGH: You keep that up and you’ll be a size 3X!

UC: Fuck it all!  I already am!  I’m fat!  Who the hell cares?!  I can’t deal with this all.  It sucks!

MIGH: YES, YOU CAN.  Exercise, starting eating better.  You got the unsweetened almond coconut milk. That was a good step.  Sorbet instead of ice cream was also good.  And what about those green beans and sugar snap peas you got?  Those are good choices!  Make more!

UC: Shut up, you sanctimonious harpy. WANT CHOCOLATE.

Me: Yo!  LADIES! All y’all shut up.  Have some ice cream.

MIGH: But…

UC: YAY!!!

Me: And a banana.

UC: Sure, whatever.

MIGH: Small but delicious progress.

Me: Mmmm.

In other news, The Voice auditions are this weekend.  I’ve been practicing (even at the yarn shop, twice now).  That’s definitely something I’m going for.